Sunday, February 28, 2010

Rememberance and adjusting.....

Well it is one of those days where the weather makes it near impossible to go outside and enjoy this beautiful sunshine we are having. With winds near 75 miles an hour and Mr. M getting called into work once again for something so stupid it doesn't even justify being answered.  It's a total "call a girlfriend day" for me. Unfortunately I was not able to get ahold of any of besties. Maybe because of the time difference and them being asleep and all but let us not get into all the major details. So any who I decided to call my mom instead.  I could tell from the way she answered the phone that something was not right again!

Ok before I go into my mom and her moods let me give you a brief rundown of why she would have every right  to not be ok right now and how it is so hard for me to try and make it better for her.
Go back to June mom calls me to tell me that my little brother is in the hospital and they have found a brain tumor that measures 25% of his brain and they are saying it is inoperable. Well if you seriously think that anyone especially my mom and little brother were going to listen to them and start planning a funeral you were dead wrong!!  So they searched high and low and called in every medical favor they ever had and found an incredible doctor in San Fransisco that said they could operate but no guarantees.
Skip ahead almost a year and my little brother has the surgery and he is ok. They got 95% of the tumor out and he has a few issues he has to do therapy for but he is not going to die! We thank God and the doctors and everyone who prayed for him.
Skip ahead to June little brother has had an MRI every 6 months and has had been through radiation and chemo and he is doing well until this MRI in June. They tell him the tumor is yet again growing and for some reason it is rapidly growing and they want him to do a stronger radiation right now.  Ok ok we have gone through this before no biggee we can do this. We cry that he has to deal with the pain and we hate that he is even having to deal with this again but let's go and lick this thing again. So he starts radiation.
Over the next few months he gets worse and the next MRI he has tells them that for some reason the tumor has decided that it likes radiation and is now growing twice as fast. The tumor is once again 25% of his brain and he is now practically paralized on his left side. He can't even walk or do anything for himself. While all of this is going on I am here in Germany hating every phone call hearing about how bad he is doing and trying to not cry when I talk to him.
September 15, 2009 I receive a phone call from my mom.."Susan he is back in the hospital and the doctors are saying they do not think he will make it until October" Yes a part of me died right then and there with those words that will ring in my head for quite some time!
So I pack up the girls, make the arrangements and we head home praying that we make it there in time to tell him how much we love him and how much he has made our lives so much better just for knowing him!
We get to the States and rush to the hospital where my mom, my dad, my older brother, and my little brothers wife all sigh when they see me. Mom says "OMG I am so glad you are here we almost lost him 3 hours ago"  I am devastated and yet greatful he is still with us for me to talk to. He is in and out of consciousness and sometimes has conversations with people who are not there and sees things that are not there. I was just greatful for the few moments of lucidness he had and prayed every night for more of those.
We spent 3 weeks with him and moved him from the hospital to the hospice and made sure he was comfortable and did whatever we possibly could for him. Unfortunately we had to come back to Germany since the girls had missed too much school already and MR. M had to get back to work and couldn't take anymore leave. So I told my little brother goodbye!  I wish that no one ever has to do that like I did knowing it was the last time but there is nothing you can do to change the situation. The entire plane ride home all I did was go over and over what I said and what I should have said or wished I had said. We get home and take a day to try to catch up on our sleep and jet lag and the next morning my older brother calls "Susan I am so sorry but this is that horrible call and I am so sorry to have to do this to you but he is gone"  I sat there wondering what I was supposed to I cry?..what do I say??  so I say "how is mom doing?"  he says "she is not good"  Well that is what I expected but we apparently ask dumb questions when we don't know what to say!
My dear brother was gone and we missed the funeral!!  That is a whole other story.

Ok so that is the background and now you will understand why it is my mom has not been doing so well since October 12, 2009.
So on my day of bad days I just need a friendly voice to talk to and I get a mom who is distraught and nothing I say or do is making her happy and it doesn't help that I am not too happy myself so what do I do. I listen to her and tell her everything will work out and how we are doing just fine and I wish I were there to help her with everything. I have heard so many people tell me that everyone grieves in different ways. I had to deal with it and try to move on for my kids sake and cry myself to sleep for months deal with it!

I am sorry if this is too somber for some of you but it was really bothering me and I just needed to get it out. Sometimes I think that I haven't really dealt with it because I am too busy trying to  put on a brave face for everyone else. Who knows I might be that crazy lady out in public one day that freaks out because someone says something that reminds me of my brother...don't doubt me!!  I will continue to soldier on and am greatful for those people I do have in my life that have helped me. I can not thank them enough and all I have to say is "the next time I need a girlfriend to talk to can someone please answer the dang phone!!"


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